Throughout life we question attitudes, passions, motives that lead us to certain behaviours and resolutions towards others. It's point taken that we live in society, we must respect a diversity of people with their own unique features, we should act accordingly certain implied rules on behalf of common well-being but we also owe to ourselves knowing how to balance all of this with our own ideals, our own beliefs, our way of thinking and even our internal conflicts (we all have them).
During the several stages of maturity we are confronted with roads to follow, choices to be made, decisions to make, duties to comply with and a self willing to be happy. All this exercise on balance can become exhausting when one of the scales side gets decompensated. When what we want is nullified by what we think others want and we are confronted with regret, guilt and the feeling of not being good, selfsufficient, rewarded enough.
The main question might be that humanity doesn't sympathize with individual values, with people's sadness, with mental calm deprivations or benevolent spiritualities. And, for each choice we make there's incertainty on whether we did it on our behalf or just did what others expected from us. It's a constant intermittence for most of the human beings which are driven by kindness, by pacifism on words and acts, by fulfilling dreams on everyone's well-being, not just their own, it's a battle between the reason and the heart, usually won by own welfare to the detriment of abnegation and other's needs.
In my opinion, and because I've been strugling since young age between my kindness and what others really deserve from me. We will never be fully effective in managing emotions scattered among social, physical, psychological acts that surround us since we're learning what love is. What love is for and why we should insist in its immortality while we don't close our eyes for good. I'm an unconditional patroness of good, love, warmth, forgiveness and welfare of those who occupy the special seats inside my heart. Because in my heart there are small rooms and several rivers flowing into the sea that spreads through my body and all organs that keep it alive.
Each day I try to improve myself, be more patient, not give in on stress and guilt when something doesn't go like I've expected. Each month I try to demand less of myself and let go of bad mood or minor resentments that only cause disconfort. Each year I try to shape myself more to what makes me happy and less to what consumes my positive energy. It's hard, believe me, and it's harsh to balance time through what we desire and what others wish or need from us. Between what makes us laugh and what leaves others happy. Between our self-love and love we dedicate to others, bewteen what we belive and what we pretend to believe in order to not hurt others feelings. A constant struggle between soul and mind that is painful, sometimes with no cure, when suddenly we breakdown by reacting instead of acting.
For years I was able to accept everything just to make someone happy, make you happy, leaving behind important things of my life, prioritizing you without attending to my disconfort in those half moments, whatever moments. But today I believe a bit more that 'perfection' is like a shoe in which I must be confortable in. And so I prefer lower heels that make me confortable, self-secure. And today I also know more fiercely that life is too short for us not to take on everything she gives us. To not being happy on our own terms, without trying to impress others, by making of our falls brand new opportunities, to relearn how to walk.
The big question is not if we should keep prefering kindness and helping our equal but, if we should nullify our own happiness always in other's favor. For keeping other's life sweeter, more bearable, happier by our intervention. Because if we act only in other's favor and decreasing our well being, our physical and psychic health, then we won't be able to love fully and accept our faults whenever we won't be able to heal the universe or dry all our beloved's tears.
Being self sufficient and love ourselves first is essencial for being consistent in acts and words. Let's understand then that life is made of blessings wich unify to form a protective cape over our intimate ones, those who reach out for us whenever we are, the ones crying, losing track, stumbling, not knowing how to smile...because we're just made of flesh and bones!
by Nádia Simão
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